Questions to ask your long-distance partner over text

The best questions to ask your long distance boyfriend over text are ones he can answer in a single message, from a bus stop, hours after you sent them. Same goes for a girlfriend or partner. A question built for a call ("how are you feeling about us?") lands badly on a screen, and "how was your day?" gets "fine" in any format.

Below are questions sorted by when they work: busy days, photo answers, slow ones for a time difference, and ones about the two of you. Plus the few that belong on a call, and how to ask without it turning into an interview.

What makes a good question over text

Text strips out tone, adds a delay, and gets read half-distracted. So a question that works over text:

• Can be answered in one message, or one photo, or one voice note.
• Still makes sense six hours later, when they finally see it.
• Can’t be answered with "fine".
• Doesn’t need a face to land. Anything that could be misread without a smile belongs on a call.

For questions that suit a proper call instead, there’s a separate list of questions to ask before your next call.

Quick questions to ask your long distance boyfriend over text

Thirty seconds to answer. Good for lunch breaks and busy days.

1. What’s the best thing you’ve eaten today?
2. Rate today out of ten. Explanation can wait till tonight.
3. What song’s stuck in your head right now?
4. Who’s annoyed you most today, in three words?
5. What’s the one thing you’re looking forward to tonight?
6. What’s the last thing that made you actually laugh?
7. Tea, coffee or something stronger right now?

Questions they can answer with a photo

Photos do what summaries can’t. They drop you straight into the other person’s actual day.

• What’s the view from where you’re sitting right now?
• What’s in your fridge? No tidying first.
• What’s on your feet?
• What did the sky look like on the way home?
• What’s the last photo in your camera roll that isn’t a screenshot?
• What’s the most chaotic corner of your flat?

Questions that are fine to answer hours later

Handy across a time difference, or with a partner on long shifts. Send one before bed and wake up to the answer.

• What’s something you’ve changed your mind about in the last year?
• What smell takes you straight back to being a kid?
• If you had a free Saturday and no money worries, how would it go, hour by hour?
• What’s a small thing you did this week that nobody noticed?
• What were you like at fifteen, honestly?
• What’s the best advice anyone’s given you, and did you take it?
• Which place would you go back to tomorrow if you could?

Questions about the two of you

Sweet without being heavy.

• What’s a favourite memory of us that isn’t from a big occasion?
• What’s one thing we have to do on the next visit?
• When did you first think this might be going somewhere?
• What’s a meal you want us to cook together one day?
• Where would we live if jobs and money didn’t matter?
• What’s one thing that makes the distance easier for you?

There’s a bit of research behind keeping these ones warm. A Brigham Young University study of 276 young adults found that expressing affection by text enhanced the relationship, and sending an affectionate text was even more strongly linked with relationship satisfaction than receiving one. It’s one study, and it wasn’t about long-distance couples, but it’s a decent nudge to send the sweet question first.

Questions to save for a call

The same BYU study found that, for women, using texts to apologise, work out differences or make decisions was associated with lower relationship quality. So some questions are better asked out loud:

• Anything about whether the relationship is working.
• Anything that comes with an apology attached.
• Big decisions, like who moves, money or the next year.
• Any question where you already suspect the answer might sting.

If one of those has already kicked off over text, arguing over text covers how to fight fair from two places.

How to ask without it feeling like a quiz

• One question at a time. Three in a row is a form.
• Send your own answer with it. "Best thing you ate today? Sausage roll on the train, no regrets." It’s friendlier, and it shows the level of effort you’re after.
• Don’t chase. A question is an invitation, not a deadline.
• Let them answer however suits. A voice note, a photo, or one word and a promise to explain later.
• Follow up on the answer. The question only opens the door. The reply to their reply is where the conversation actually starts.
• Keep a few in your notes app for the days your head’s empty.

If you’ve run out of things to say altogether, start here, and if you’d rather play than ask, try these texting games for long-distance couples.

One question a day, sealed until you both answer

Picking a good question every day is its own bit of effort. That’s the job of Talking Hearts in KTL, the relationship game for two that we build in Glasgow.

Each day you both get the same question, from a deck that includes cute, romantic, deep, silly and would-you-rather questions. You each write your answer privately, up to 1,000 characters, and neither of you can see the other’s until you’ve both replied. Then the two answers reveal together and you each earn 40 XP. Answer first and your partner gets a nudge that it’s their turn. A new question arrives at midnight UK time, and every question you’ve both answered stays in past answers to scroll back through.

The sealed bit matters over text. Nobody can copy the other’s answer or tone theirs down to match, so what comes back is honest, and there’s always something to reply to. See how Talking Hearts works. More for couples apart is on the long-distance page.

Pick one question from the photo list and send it now. It’s the easiest kind to answer on a busy day.

Questions people ask

What questions should you ask your long distance boyfriend over text?

Ones he can answer in a single message, even hours later. Quick questions like the best thing he’s eaten today, photo questions like the view from where he’s sitting, and slower ones like what he was like at fifteen all work well over text. Questions about the two of you, such as a favourite everyday memory, keep it warm. Save anything about problems in the relationship for a call.

What are some deep questions to ask your partner over text?

Pick ones that can be answered thoughtfully in their own time: what they’ve changed their mind about recently, the best advice they’ve been given and whether they took it, which place they’d go back to tomorrow, or what makes the distance easier for them. Send one at a time, share your own answer too, and keep questions that could hurt without tone of voice for a phone or video call.

How do you keep a text conversation going with a long distance partner?

Ask one specific question at a time instead of "how was your day?", and send your own answer along with it. Reply to their answer with a follow-up, because that’s where conversation actually starts. Photo questions and voice notes help on busy days, and saving a few questions in your phone’s notes means you’re never stuck for something to send.

Is it bad to have serious conversations over text?

It can make things harder. A Brigham Young University study of 276 young adults found that, for women, using texts to apologise, work out differences or make decisions was associated with lower relationship quality, while expressing affection by text was good for relationships. It’s one study, but the advice holds up: keep texts for warmth and everyday questions, and move anything serious to a call.