What to talk about before you go long distance for uni or work

Not sure what to talk about before long distance starts? Cover the practical stuff and the awkward stuff in one honest conversation before the move: how you’ll keep in touch, how often you’ll visit and who pays, what’s fine on a night out, how you’ll handle a bad week, and whether there’s an end date. Skip it, and you can end up running on two different sets of expectations without either of you knowing.

Whether one of you is off to uni in September or starting a job in another city, here are the questions to ask, grouped so you can take them one at a time.

What to talk about before long distance, and when to do it

Timing matters more than wording. Don’t do it the night before the move, when you’re both emotional and half-packed. Do it a few weeks out, somewhere relaxed, ideally on a walk or over food rather than facing each other across a table.

A few ground rules help:

• It’s a conversation, not a negotiation. You’re finding out where each other’s edges are.
• Nobody has to answer everything tonight. "Can that one wait a day?" is a perfectly good answer.
• Each write down the three things that matter most, so they don’t get lost in the chat.
• Agree to check in after the first month, because nobody knows what long distance feels like until they’re in it.

Do you both actually want this?

It sounds obvious. It’s also the easiest one to assume you already know the answer to.

• Do you want this, or does ending it before the move just feel worse?
• What are you most worried about?
• What would make this feel worth it six months from now?
• What would tell you it isn’t working?
• If one of you wants out, how should that conversation go?
• Is there anything about the move you’ve been scared to say?

How will you keep in touch?

This is where mismatched expectations do the most quiet damage. One of you pictures a call every night. The other pictures a few texts and a Sunday catch-up. Neither is wrong, and both are in for a shock.

Ask each other:

1. What does a normal day of contact look like to you?
2. How much silence feels fine, and when does it start to feel like distance?
3. Calls, texts, voice notes or video: which matters most?
4. When are you likely to be busy, knackered or out?
5. If you’ll be in different time zones, when do your days overlap?
6. What should a missed call mean, and what shouldn’t it?
7. What happens to the routine in exam season or a busy month at work?

The post on how often long-distance couples should text has a ten-minute way to agree a rhythm, and if a time difference is involved, read the time difference guide together.

Visits and money

Visits are what you’ll both look forward to most, and money is what’s most likely to make them awkward. Talk about both before the first ticket gets booked.

• How often do you each want to see each other, realistically?
• Who travels, and do you take turns?
• How will you split costs if one of you has a salary and the other has a student budget?
• Which weekends are already off limits because of exams, shifts or family stuff?
• Is there a monthly amount either of you can’t go over?
• When’s the first visit?

That last one matters. A first visit in the diary gives the early weeks something to aim at. For the practical side, see how often long-distance couples should see each other and cheap ways to visit your partner in the UK.

Trust, jealousy and new people

New flatmates, freshers’ week, work nights out, a colleague who’s a right laugh. Whoever’s moving is about to meet a lot of new people, and whoever’s staying is about to hear about them. Say what’s okay now, calmly, rather than finding out in the middle of a row.

• What’s fine on a night out, and what isn’t?
• How do you each feel about close new friendships?
• Do you want to hear everything about the night out, or would you rather not know the details?
• What would help you feel secure when you can’t see each other’s day-to-day life?

It’s normal for these answers to feel a bit uncomfortable to say. That’s exactly why they’re worth saying before anything has happened.

What happens on a bad day, or after a row?

Distance changes how arguments work. You can’t hug it out, and text is terrible at tone. Agree now how you’ll handle it:

• Should anything serious always go to a call rather than text?
• How long is okay to go quiet after a disagreement?
• When you’re having a rough week, do you want advice, distraction, or just someone to listen?
• Who else can you each lean on locally, so the relationship isn’t your only support?

When it does kick off, arguing over text has more on fighting fair.

Is there an end date?

This is the big one, and plenty of couples dodge it. You don’t need a firm plan, but it helps to know whether the distance is for a year, a three-year degree or until further notice.

• Is this a set length of time, or open-ended?
• Where might each of you want to live when it’s over?
• Would either of you move for the other, and what would that take?
• When will you talk about this again?

If graduation is coming and nobody knows where the next job will be, long distance after uni looks at exactly that. When the end date finally arrives, closing the distance covers the move and the first few months after.

Pick a day in the next fortnight, go for a walk, and start with the easiest question on this list. The harder ones come easier once you’ve started. For more on the uni side, see the page for couples at different universities and do long-distance relationships work at uni?.

Questions people ask

What should you talk about before starting a long-distance relationship?

Talk about whether you both want it, how you’ll keep in touch day to day, how often you’ll visit and who pays, what feels okay with new friends and nights out, how you’ll handle arguments, and whether there’s an end date. You don’t need every answer settled, but it helps to know each other’s expectations before the move.

How do you prepare for a long-distance relationship before uni?

Have an honest conversation a few weeks before term starts about contact, visits, money and jealousy. Put both term calendars side by side, book the first visit before you leave, and agree to check in on how it’s going after the first month, because what you expect and what uni turns out to be like can be quite different.

Should you set rules in a long-distance relationship?

Agreements tend to work better than rules. Instead of strict limits on how often to text or where each of you can go, agree on what matters to both of you, such as a regular call, what a quiet day means and what’s fine on nights out. Revisit it after a month or two, because what works on paper can change once you’re apart.

What questions should you ask before going long distance?

Useful questions include: what does a normal day of contact look like to you, how often do you want to visit, how will you split travel costs, what would help you feel secure, what should happen after an argument, and is there an end date. The aim is to spot different expectations early, while they’re still easy to talk about.