Military long-distance relationships: deployment and silence

A military long-distance relationship can work, but it runs on the Forces’ timetable rather than yours. Contact during a deployment or a long exercise is patchy and hard to predict, so the couples who cope best plan for the silence before it starts and know where to find support. There’s more of that support than most partners realise, including for partners who aren’t married.

This is for girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancés, husbands and wives of people serving in the UK Armed Forces. None of it is official guidance, and your partner’s own briefings always come first.

What makes a military long-distance relationship different

Plenty of couples live apart. Forces couples get some extra complications on top.

• Someone else owns the calendar. Dates move, leave changes, and a planned visit can vanish at short notice.
• Silence you can’t plan around. On deployment or at sea, contact depends on where they are and what’s available.
• Things they can’t tell you. Where they are, when they’re moving and what they’re doing may be off limits. That’s a security rule, and it says nothing about trust.
• Support you have to go looking for. Help for families is spread across charities, federations and welfare teams, and some of it will ask for your partner’s Service Number when you get in touch.

Keeping in touch during a deployment

Expect a mix, and expect it to change. The RAF Families Federation’s guide to keeping in touch with deployed personnel covers post through the British Forces Post Office, blueys, email and welfare phone calls, and it’s blunt that wi-fi can be sporadic or non-existent in some locations. It also warns that mobiles aren’t secure, so be careful what you discuss on them.

Post is underrated. Through the British Forces Post Office you can send letters and parcels to serving personnel. GOV.UK’s enduring families free mail service lets you send letters, known as blueys, and parcels for free to personnel on certain ships or operations. You can only use it to send to people you know, a parcel can’t weigh more than 2kg, and it needs a customs form with "gift" ticked. Check which ships and operations are eligible before you post anything.

A letter also does something a call can’t. It arrives whenever it arrives, and it can be read again on a rubbish night. Write a few in advance and post them in batches, so something keeps landing even in a week when you’re struggling for words.

When calls do happen, they tend to be short and at odd hours. Keep a running note on your phone of things you want to tell them, so the ten minutes don’t disappear into "so, erm, how’s things?"

Getting through the silence

The silence is the part most partners find hardest, and it’s easier with a plan made while you can still talk it through.

1. Agree what "no news" means. Before they go, say out loud that a gap in contact is expected and isn’t a sign anything’s wrong between you.
2. Ask what they’re allowed to tell you about contact, and don’t push for more than that.
3. Keep your own life full. Friends, work, a class, the gym. Having a good week while they’re away isn’t disloyal.
4. Keep writing anyway, in letters or in a note you’ll share later. It keeps the habit of telling them things alive.
5. Find people who get it. Other Forces partners understand this in a way your mates might not.
6. Ignore the rumour mill. Group chats and social media fill silence with guesses. Rely on official channels for anything that matters.
7. Keep dates, locations and movements off social media, yours and theirs.

Lonely evenings are their own thing, and getting through the quiet nights has more on those. If the silence starts affecting how you sleep, eat or cope, talk to someone. Samaritans are on 116 123, and the NHS suggests seeing your GP if a low mood lasts more than two weeks (NHS).

Support for Forces partners, married or not

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, it’s easy to assume none of the official support applies to you. Some of it does.

Established Long Term Relationship status. The MOD recognises an LTR(E): a relationship "that has continued for a long time and has the intent of permanence", without the legal recognition of marriage or civil partnership. Service personnel can seek it for eligibility for service housing, and dual-serving couples can use it for transfer of leave and joint career management. Your partner applies through their HR admin (GOV.UK).

Beyond that, these are good places to start.

Who	What they offer	How to reach them
SSAFA Forcesline	A free, confidential helpline for the Armed Forces community, outside the military chain of command	0800 260 6767, Monday to Thursday 9am to 5pm, Friday 9am to 4pm
Army Families Federation	Independent, confidential advice for Regular and Reserve Army families, including family life and separation	Through their website
Naval Families Federation	An independent charity for Royal Navy and Royal Marines families, with guidance on periods of separation	Through their website, or Royal Navy Family and People Support on 0800 145 6088
RAF Families Federation	Independent support for RAF families, including a deployment section	01780 781650
Army Welfare Service	Free, confidential specialist welfare for personnel and families, including relationship difficulties	Through a Unit Welfare Officer, a HIVE Information Support Officer, or the service directly

For RAF couples, the RAF Benevolent Fund offers relationship support to a serving person or their partner, including up to six free Relate counselling sessions. Have your partner’s Service Number to hand when you get in touch (RAF Families Federation).

Before they go, and when they’re back

Goodbyes before a deployment are rough, and so is the first stretch at home, when two people who’ve been running separate routines have to share one again. Don’t plan every minute of their leave. Leave room for them to be knackered or quiet, and for the fact that you’ve got used to doing things your own way. Talk about what’s changed on both sides once the relief has settled. If goodbyes hit you hard, the post on the post-visit comedown is worth a read.

There’s a page for military couples on this site too.

Next step: before the next deployment or long exercise, save the numbers above in your phone, have the "what does no news mean?" conversation, and write the first letter.

Questions people ask

Do military long-distance relationships work?

They can. Military couples deal with everything other long-distance couples do, plus short-notice changes, long silences and things that can’t be discussed. It helps to agree how you’ll handle gaps in contact before a deployment, keep your own life full while they’re away, use post as well as calls, and know where to get support, such as SSAFA Forcesline or the families federation for their service.

How often can you talk to someone on deployment?

There’s no single answer, because it depends on where they are and what’s available. The RAF Families Federation notes that wi-fi can be sporadic or non-existent in some locations, so contact may come through welfare phone calls, email where it exists, and post. Ask your partner what they’ve been told to expect, and plan for gaps rather than daily contact.

Can a girlfriend or boyfriend get support from the Armed Forces?

Some support is open to partners who aren’t married. SSAFA Forcesline, on 0800 260 6767, is a free, confidential helpline for the Armed Forces community. The RAF Benevolent Fund offers relationship support to a serving person or their partner. Couples can also apply for Established Long Term Relationship status through the MOD, which can affect eligibility for service housing.

How do you send a letter to someone on deployment in the UK Armed Forces?

Use the British Forces Post Office with their full BFPO address. GOV.UK’s enduring families free mail service lets you send letters, known as blueys, and parcels free to personnel on certain ships or operations, as long as you know the person. Parcels can’t weigh more than 2kg and need a customs form marked as a gift. Check which ships and operations are eligible first.