8 August 2026 · 5 min read
Questions to ask before your next call
Inspired by the well-known thirty-six-questions study on closeness between strangers, adapted into a smaller set built specifically for two people who are not in the same room.
In 1997, psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron published a study testing whether intimacy between two strangers could be accelerated by working through a specific set of increasingly personal questions. It became well known after a New York Times Modern Love column years later, and versions of it have circulated ever since. This is not that list. It is a smaller set built specifically for two people who already know each other and are apart, following the same idea: start light, get more specific, save the harder one for last.
Round one: light
- What is a small thing about today you would not normally mention?
- What is something you have got better at since we started this?
- What is the last thing that made you laugh out loud, alone?
Round two: a bit more specific
- What is something you are proud of that I have not heard about recently?
- What is a habit of mine that you actually like, that I probably assume annoys you?
- What does a genuinely good week look like for you right now?
Round three: the ones worth waiting for
- What do you need from me right now that you have not asked for directly?
- What is something about being apart that you have not said out loud because it felt like complaining?
- What is one thing you want to have done together by the time this distance ends?
How to actually use these
One a call, not all nine at once. Answer honestly rather than quickly, and resist filling silence while the other person is thinking. The original study worked because the questions escalated slowly. Rushing to the hardest one first defeats the entire structure.
A version that works without a call at all
Talking Hearts runs on the same underlying idea in a smaller, daily dose: one question, answered separately, sealed until you have both replied. If a full round of nine feels like a lot for a normal week, one question answered honestly most days gets you further than a rare big conversation.
Try KTL with your person
Free, private to the two of you, about a minute to set up.